Back in late September of 2017 I was 11 weeks pregnant and finally getting in to see my doctor. They took my vitals and then went to listen for a heartbeat but couldn't hear anything. They decided to do an ultrasound but the tech was out of the office. The doctor did the ultrasound but couldn't legally give me any final answers. She told me she could see twins but couldn't find a heart beat for either. It was a Thursday and the tech wouldn't be back in the office until Monday.
It just so happened that General Conference, a bi-annual LDS meeting where we hear from the leaders of our church, was taking place that weekend. I have to admit that I went into conference praying for a miracle that my two sweet babies would somehow still be alive. I listened intently to the talks waiting to hear words meant just for me, as I have heard so many times at conference in the past. Then I heard something that shifted everything.
The talk was by one of my favorite members of the Quorum of the Seventy, Donald L. Hallstrom, entitled Has the Day of Miracles Ceased? As I listened I knew this would be the talk with my answer. It just had to be. As he spoke of miracles and I yearned for one, I waited in anticipation for the words I wanted to hear. Then he said the following: "do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?"
I was shocked. As I felt the familiar stirrings of the Spirit in my heart my first reaction was to reject it. This was not the answer I wanted. Then, thankfully, I heard it again and my heart softened. Do you have the faith not to be healed? I had come to this conference confident that I had enough faith in my Savior to heal my babies but had never considered that it would take that same faith, if not greater, to not receive a miracle of healing. Instead I was reminded of the miracle of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In that moment I knew that I would not bring the two precious babies inside me into this world.
Monday's ultrasound confirmed that I would miscarry. As I felt the pain of loss and watched my sweet husband feel helpless to do anything we turned to our Savior and plead for His strength to be with us. Instead of slipping into a downward spiral of depression and heart ache I felt Christ holding me every step of the way. I still felt the pain and sadness of never holding my babies but I felt great hope.
I was given a sweet picture and quote by my bishop and his wife. The picture is of Christ holding two infants in His arms. The quote reads: "Dear Lord, we would have loved to have held out babies in our laps and tell them about you, but since we didn't get the change, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about us?" My miracle was not to be healed. My miracle is that because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I will hold my babies in the eternities. That miracle is just as wonderful to me.
